Tuesday May 31st 2005
8:07pm

I hate that I'm writing this.  Actually, that's not true.  It helps to write this.  I hate that I need to write about it. So where to begin?.....

I meet John when I was in college.  He was living in my home town, and we constantly talked about getting together to hang out when I would visit my parents on break.  We never really did until the week before he moved down south.  There was an obvious mutual attraction, but he was seeing someone, so we kept it a friendly level.  After a few weeks of being apart, John and his boyfriend split.  Soon after new years, he and I decided to start dating long distance.  Everyday was spent volleying text messages and waiting until 9pm so we could talk on the phone.  He flew up to see me over valentines day weekend, and I flew to see him on my spring break.  However, the distance slowly got to us, and as the spring semester ended, we called it quits.

Even though we were no longer officially together, nothing much changed.  We still would fly out to see each other once in awhile, we still talked on the phone, and we still had feeling for each other. We had no real hostility towards each other, we had broken up because of physical distance.  We both had it in the back of our minds that we might someday get back together.

Fast forward a year or two and I'm out of college living in the south east coast, and John is on the north west coast.  Last fall he's sent to a conference a few hours drive north of me, and asks me to meet him there.  This is that last time I had physical contact with him.

Through our many online and phone conversations, I found out that John had a friend that he was having unprotected sex with.  I had a sinking feeling that there was more than that going on.  The more I probed, the more I found out what I didn't want to hear.  I stopped asking.

Two weeks ago, on my birthday, Friday the 13th, John was at a bar that was offering free testing.  He took a test.  12 days later he mentioned being nervous about calling for his results.  I told him to just get it over with.  One of us soon logged off and I more or less forgot about it.  Friday was my last day of work for the school year, and I sent him a text, asking him if he got his results.  No answer. The next day, I had my graduate class, during which I again asked in a text about his test. Still nothing.  I honestly though he just was too busy or left his phone in his car again.

Later Saturday afternoon I drove upstate to hang out with a friend, grab some food, and see the new star wars.  The Movie got out late, and I was driving home around 1-2 am.  With the 3 hour time difference, John should be up and out doing something.  I called him once, and left a message.  I started thinking about the test, and began to worry.  I called him again, and he said he was at a concert. He seamed very upbeat and happy, typical John, so nothing could have been wrong.  If something was wrong, John would have been on the phone to me in tears already, Nothing to worry about.  I asked again about the test, and he said he'd tell me later and quickly said he had to go.  I assumed that he had been screened for multiple STD and since he wasn't hysterical his HIV test had to have come back negative, but he probably caught crabs or some non-fatal STD that he knew I'd lecture him about.

I got home around 3 am, and John called me back.  I don't remember if we chatted about other things before I again asked about his exam, I just remember his voice getting sheepish and saying "Well........"  I asked if he was joking, and then repeated "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." My voice shook and jumped, it felt like i was crying, but my eyes never shed any tears.  I still had the headset in my phone from the drive.  As we talked, I let my dog out of his crate and put his leash on.  We walked around the neighborhood as I talked to John.  I was still on the phone when I returned to my apartment.  I put my dog back in his crate, and still on the phone, got in my car.  I drove to the beach and walked back and forth while talking to John, we had been on the phone for hours.  When we finally hung up, i stood in front of the waves, started breathing heavy, inhaled, and bellowed as loud as I could.  i screamed a single word.  Fuck.  Had anyone been anywhere on the beach, they would have defiantly heard me, and most likely came running to see if someone was hurt or in danger.  But I was alone, and glad to be at that point.  In hindsight it seamed like a fitting metaphor.  No matter how hard I yelled the ocean wasn't effected, and no matter how much I wanted, Johns virus was unfazed as well.  I couldn't clean him, i couldn't run to the 24 hour pharmacy to pick him up a bottled miracle, I couldn't extract the virus from his body and kick the shit out of it like I wanted.  It was now early sunday morning.  I wanted to stay and watch the sunrise, something to cheer me up.  But the bugs were starting to come out and I was tired.  I drove back home and soaked in the tub.  Everything ran through my head again, and this time, my eyes watered over.

Another thought has been dancing through my head.  What about me? John thinks he was infected giving head during a time when his gums were bleeding, a time after our last contact, but he wasn't sure.  We talked about the times of possible exposure and previous test dates. I should be fine, but its by no means certain.  I half laugh that John's timing sucks and he tells me on memorial day weekend, so not only do I have to ponder sunday, but also monday, as the testing sights are all closed.  Today, Tuesday, they finally opened and I went in this morning to get blood drawn.  I went through some online/phone service and tomorrow i call for my results.  This beats the first time I got tested.

My previous boyfriend was my first. First Kiss, First sex, first everything with a guy.  We dated for 22 months, and I called it quits after finding out that not only was he cheating on me, but he was cheating on me with half the town.  i waited this time to get the test.  I wanted to make sure that the test was accurate, I knew I couldn't go through the waiting twice.  And the wait was god awful. It took 2 weeks to get the results during which time I was wreck.  On top of the test, I was doing a project for school that required me to be up for ungodly hours and operate on little to no sleep for 4 days. That just made me even more crazy.  I developed an itch.  I asked my 2 roommates if they had started using new cleaners, detergents, or soaps. neither of them had.  I took large amounts of benadryl to control the itching.  When I finally went back to the campus heath center, I was nervous as hell.  A woman called me back to a small room and sat me down.  She was quick to tell me I was negative. She then asked if I had any questions, I told her no, that I was to relieved to think.  The rest of the day and the days to follow sound like a halmark card when I describe them.  The colors were brighter, The sounds crisper, even the sluggy snow and gray skies seamed pleasant.

I got tested some time after by my family physician.  I was due for a test and had to go in anyway for my teaching certificate.  This time, I wasn't really worried.  I had been too busy with student teaching to do sleep, let alone sleep with anybody.  But still, there's that small chance.  I could be on a desert island by myself for 2 years, and would still be worried about test results.  Back when HIV/AIDS came into the spotlight, I was no more than 12 and my mother bought a copy of Magic Johnson's book.  It had pictures of condoms and they said like penis and sex in it, so i was amazed when my mother let me read it.  Even then, I became paranoid.  Like a first year medical student, I began to fear the worst.  I was a virgin who had just started puberty, but i had had surgery, and considered asking my mother to get tested.  I wish a tonsillectomy  was still my biggest concern.  I got the results in the mail.  My doctor had hand written in typical doctor scratch that the test came back fine.  Instead of going back in the house, I put the paper in my pocket and took a short walk, enjoying life and the outdoors.

It's now 16 hours until my results come are in.  I'm edgy, but ok. I've been able to keep myself occupied, but every now and then the right two thoughts merge in my mind and i get a taste of that fallen out stomach feeling you get when you see a cop behind you and you've been speeding.  John and I talked more, we again went over possible instances of infection and test dates.  Over all I've been much more depressed about his condition than mine, but now that its closer and closer to 3pm June 1st, my thoughts are more on me.  I feel selfish. I think about what I'll have to do if I am in fact positive.  Who I'll have to tell, how it will change my life, and all the stigma and labels that come with it.  Then I remember that those are possibilities with me, but certainties with John, and that makes me sadder than anything else.

I think about what this means for the idea of "John and I."  All the things we can't do.  Would I still want to date him if Im negative, what if I'm positive?  I've run that over in my mind a lot.  And come to the conclusion that I'd think of it in the same way if he was negative.  We're not dating now because we're at opposite corners of the country.  There's also been some changes.  Johns dated other people, and while the connection between us has turned into an incredibly strong friendship, the romance had started to fade long before he got his test results.  So that all accumulates to a big "I don't know."
Well my mind is drained and I'm getting tired, so I'll close.  Until tomorrow when I find out.
11:07pm

June 1st 2005
10:05

T minus 4 hours
ugh
trying to keep my mind busy
I never admit this...
I'm scared
The king of horror movies and roller coasters is scared
ugh
4 hours
480 minutes
bah
ugh

12:00noon

T minus 2 hours
UGH!
I think I'm less scared now and more nervous/anxious
these things suck
I can't think anything else right now that one looks forward to and dreads with equal enthusiasm then again, right now, i cant think of anything else period!

ugh

the guy said to call at "2 or 3 your time"

I'm gonna call at 2 and hope the results are in
I can just picture it
"Sir, I have some bad news"
'Oh no, please, no!'
"Your results haven't come in yet"
"Huh? Wha...? Mother Fucker!!!"

2 hours

12:40
the butterflies are starting

12:56
One hour
fuck

1:03
Deep breath

1:11
Another shot of butterflies

1:22
I'm toasting a bagel
My appetite have been weakened the past few days today especially had a few blue berries this morning not hungry, but I know I should eat plus who wants to get bad news and throw up on an empty stomach dry heaving is just a waste of time (in case you can't tell, I crack dumb jokes when I'm nervous/anxious/scared-shitless)

1:44
Every time I look at the clock, my stomach drops from under me just a little bit
ugh

1:48
ugh
its almost time
shit shit shit

1:55
should I call now?
fuck fuck fuck
please let me be negative!

1:56
I'm calling
and my heart's racing

The results aren't in yet
The guy on the phone said 3pm, 1 their time
ugh
wonder If i can sleep?

2:17
Dunno if I could have fallen asleep
But then John called
and now I highly doubt I can
Gonna watch a movie
ugh

3:28
called again
not yet
ugh

4:26
I'm negative

5:20
But John is still positive
and there is nothing I can do to change that
Right after I found out I called him
I don't know how to feel
relieved but still heartbroken for John