CaLLiNg aLL wRiTeRs:
The complexities of dealing with HIV infection are immense. Who's Positive is very excited to begin work for a new feature on our Web site entitled "Infected, Affected: Real Stories, Real People." If you have a story about how HIV infected and affected you or someone you know, please share it with us.
We're looking for stories from you, your partners, family members, friends, and loved ones who have dealt with a positive HIV diagnosis. We want to hear everything-your fears, hopes, sadness, anger, and memories. Let it out. Tell us how you think or know you became infected. Tell us about loved ones that have passed away due to complications surrounding AIDS. We want visitors to read your stories, know they are not alone in dealing with HIV/AIDS, and think about how HIV/AIDS affects the lives of so many. Your voice can make a difference.
Be sure to include your location, age, gender, and contact information. You may also want to include your name and a photograph. Your contact information will remain confidential, but is required so that Who's Positive can verify information and protect the identity of all persons. We reserve the right to edit submissions; however, we will contact you before we use your story. Who's Positive may also provide a channel on our Web site through which people can communicate confidentially with those whom we feature.
Although there are no age restrictions, we especially encourage stories about young people who have experience with HIV/AIDS.
I might be HIV positive. Tim is. We had unprotected sex. I'm so fucked up right now. So is Tim. He knew when we slept together eight months ago... he knew that he was positive, but he didn't tell me until yesterday night. Now, I'm scared shitless waiting for my test results. I won't know until March first. It's so long to wait. It's torture. I am worried about Tim. If I'm positive I'm screwed. So much would change- my friendship with Tim, my health, my family and friends, my whole life. So much running through my mind...pain...uncertainty.
February 18, 2006
11:00 p.m.
This is the most painful thing I've ever had to experience. Well, my parent's split was pretty bad, but this one is just me. I don't want to tell my family until I know my HIV status. So, Tim knew he was positive. It's starting to sink in. Since Tim didn't tell me, for eight months I had no idea I was at risk. So I started dating someone and had unprotected sex with him. Because of TIM, two people are now at risk. Yesterday I told my x-boyfriend and that was hard. He was pissed off, not at me, but at the person who put me at risk. He just knows it was one of my friends. I guess seeing my x's anger helped trigger my anger. I guess with Tim it's more than anger. I love Tim. Yes, I had a crush on him, but he's my best friend. I've always been so happy that we're friends and now this. I just wonder- how could he have done this to me? How could he sleep with me knowing he's HIV positive? Why did he do that? Did he want to fuck up our friendship? Because although I wish it didn't, regardless of the test results, our friendship will never be the same again if I can even still be his friend. On one hand, I don't want to bail on him because he's dealing with so much. On the other hand, how could he do this to me?! Put me in so much danger, drive me through emotional turmoil, and completely alter my life. Fuck! This is so difficult, sad, unbearable, hectic, depressing, tiring, painful, lonely, traumatic...
I don't want to tell my family until I know, but I wish I had their support. So, I haven't called them because it would be hard to act okay. I'm so fucked up right now I'm hurting all the time. I'm on a constant roller coaster of emotions, but HIV is always there- it's ALWAYS there!
Then there is my x. So, I ran in to him last night on campus and when I saw him my stomach sank. I felt awful and I knew I had to tell him. At his apartment I told him. I felt so exposed because he brought up some bull shit about
"If you hadn't had casual sex with your friend who was probably having casual sex with other people, you may not be in this position."
Of course, I went off because fuck that. Don't give me that bull shit. Of all the people I've told, he's the only one who has brought that up. However, of all the people I've told, he's the only one who is also in danger of being HIV positive because of me. So, I tried to be understanding. Instead of walking out the door once he made that comment, I had a drink and went home. However, once I got home I felt like shit. My roommate is out of town and I'm alone with my pain. I called my x and told him I didn't want to be alone. He invited me back over. I had one more drink and fell asleep.
I now realize that my x and I will never be the same. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if after we get tested he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, whether he's negative or we're both negative. Up until this point we had been able to remain friends even though our relationship hadn't worked out. This is it- everything will change. Knowing this made it difficult to leave his apartment this morning.
I'm so sad and lonely. My life will never be the same….NEVER. I am forever changed because of HIV even if I'm negative.
Life is full with each moment, but sometimes I feel like I'm just watching it pass by- watching myself- waiting for something to happen. I feel like shit. I have a very high chance of being positive. I'll have to cross that bridge when it comes because I could drown myself in pain if I let my mind wonder.
Right now, at this very moment, life feels unbearable. I just want to go away...away from here.
February 20, 2006
10:55 p.m.
I will find out within the next 24-48 hours. My x found a place in a small town that gives back quick results. We had to pay ninety dollars, but it is well worth knowing sooner. I'm so scared! We drove to the town today and it was awkward. It's like we were in the car, but our minds were everywhere else. It hurts to be around my x because it makes HIV feel so present and inescapable.
What if I'm positive? I'm glad to know sooner, but I'm scared shitless. I just keep having daydreams of me getting the phone call and hearing it's positive. I see myself completely fucked up. Then I imagine that it's negative and I can feel a HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders and my heart.
Right now, life is so blurred. It's intermingled with bouts of depression, thoughts of pain, and crying. Sometimes I'm doing something random like cooking or hanging clothes in the closet and I start crying out of nowhere. Sometimes I stop myself, other times I just cry. I don't want to be positive! I would give anything to go back to the days when missing my x was my biggest problem/pain. I would give anything to not be here.
But I am here and wishing won't change anything. I'm here. This is my life- this is it. I only get one. If I am positive, I will have to cope. My life will not stop- it will go on and so will I. I know this, but it doesn't change the fact that I would much rather be negative. This hurts so much!! It's sooooo stressful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 24-48 hours. I think I'm going to drive myself crazy waiting. How will I sleep until I know? This I so hard. I just want to be okay. I just want my x to be okay. Oh, how I wish I could go back to missing my x, when all this stuff didn't exist. I don't know my HIV status, but I'm so freaken scared to know while also being eager to know. My mind is racing non-stop. I'm going to write a paper for class now just to get my mind off of HIV.
Please, please, please to who ever is listening- please let me be negative...let my x be negative.
February 23, 2006
7:45 p.m.
I'm negative!!! My x is negative! Thank God! Thank everyone who supported me and loved me through such an awful time! I found out Tuesday evening around 4:45 p.m. I was ecstatic and I cried. I thanked the guy who told me my results. I called my best friend, my roomie, my x, and Tim called me. I felt so relieved. The weight that was lifted off of my shoulders is unbelievable. It's been tough though as I slowly settle into being negative. My stomach is slowly calming down and getting used to eating food again. My body is so used to being anxious; I often feel myself tense up and become nervous. In order to calm down I have to remind myself that I'm HIV negative. Life feels good being negative. It feels so good. Tuesday night a smile was plastered on my face. Still when I look around I just feel so thankful that I'm negative.
But I still have to think of what I will do about Tim. My x wanted to press charges before we got our results and I'm sure he'll still want to now. We haven't talked about it though. That stresses me out. I mean I know I can't ever be Tim's friend like we used to be, but I know he's already fucked up. He'll have to deal with putting me and my x at risk on top of being positive. I think that's enough. He's got a lot to deal with already. I want to move forward, which is why I need time away from Tim. I don't want to be thinking about how we can press charges against him. I just want to focus on now. I've been given a chance to see how fortunate I am. I need to live my life to the fullest. I've always strived to live my life fully, but it's like you don't realize how valuable life is until it's almost taken from you- or at least almost completely altered.
Then there is my x. I remember thinking that I wish my only problem was missing him. Now, after all this, though things have changed, I still miss him. But I really feel like he judged me and thinks my promiscuous behaviors led me to HIV. So, why do I still miss him? Now, don't get me wrong, this missing him is way better- WAY BETTER, than HIV!!! I almost love missing my x as compared to being at risk of HIV.
So many questions run through my mind:
Why did Tim sleep with me knowing his HIV status?
How could he do that?
Why did my x and I have to go through this HIV scare?
I was starting to believe that life had no rhyme or reason, but this incident makes me feel like there is a reason behind everything. For whatever reason Tim hurt me; put my life in danger. In turn, my x and I went through this scare. I don't know why yet, but I know one day I will know. As for now, I am extremely grateful for life. I am thankful to all the angels who looked out for my x and me. Now, all I can do is move on. A wise woman once told me- It's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up.
Disclaimer:
This site contains HIV prevention messages that may not be appropriate
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