Dan's Journal

So I'm sitting at DFW Airport on my way home to West Virginia (insert your favorite Country Roads lyric here) and I'm so nervous about telling my Momma, yes I still call her Momma, that I could be sick. I decided awhile ago that on this trip I would tell her and I'm sticking to that but it doesn't mean I can't be nervous about it, right? She took the gay thing much better than I ever anticipated, about as well as I could've hoped and was completely ready to meet my ex. Of course, that never happened and she's never heard me talk about another boy. I'll mention randomly a date or something about going to dinner with someone but she doesn't ask and I don't try and push it on her; I think once I'm with someone who I think I can take home then will be the time to repeat his name, to tell her all about the things we do as a couple and kind of push the subject back out into the open.
Trips home to West Virginia, where I spent the first 20 years and 10 months of my life always bring out a whole range of mixed emotions. I know it'll be great to see everyone, especially my Momma and to a much smaller degree my Dad and his family. But in a way it's the numerous cousins and friends I look forward to seeing more than anyone. They're the ones who already know how difficult this year has been and haven't missed a step keeping me upbeat and just being there when I need them. It's amazing how fast your schedule fills up when people know you're going to be home for only a few days. I land in Pittsburgh around 11:30 EST and have a two hour or so drive before I'm actually home, that is Carolina, WV. My Momma and I will be cooking all afternoon and then I'm off to Bridgeport Hill late tonight for karaoke and such with a smattering of cousins and friends. Tomorrow will be a very strange day, it's the first Christmas Eve ever that my Mom's family isn't having a big dinner and family gathering and I'm rather upset about that. Honestly, I never thought it would last as many years (2) as it did after Pappy (my Mom's dad) passed away but I'm still sad that this is a tradition no one is bothering to keep up with. I've already arranged with several cousins to attend Midnight Mass at the Church most of us grew up going to, the same Church I haven't stepped foot into since Pappy's Funeral Mass. I know that will be hard but I also know that's what he would want of us. It will likely also be my last Christmas Mass as a Confirmed Catholic since I'm likely being received into the Episcopal Church in early January. And for those unaware of the strict rigors on Catholicism those Confirmed in other denominations are welcome to attend mass but are not allowed to participate in the Sacraments, Communion specifically. I already broke this news to my Mom and she wasn't nearly as upset as I once expected her to be, though she did quit attending Church regularly sometime before I was born.

I hope everyone has a Happy, Joyous, Safe Christmas and I'll try and update after I've broken the news to my Momma and have gauged her reaction. Until then, I leave you with my favorite Christmas Hymnal...

O Come All Ye Faithful
Joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

O Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation,
Sing all that hear in heaven God's holy word.
Give to our Father glory in the Highest;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

All Hail! Lord, we greet Thee,
Born this happy morning,
O Jesus! for evermore be Thy name adored.
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

In my last post I mentioned that a few friends had surprised me with something amazing, it was a CRUISE! March 8th-15th will be spent on The Carnival Conquest visiting Grand Cayman, Montego Bay and Cozumel. There was a large group of people going but with all the money I've had to spend on doctors and meds this year I just couldn't afford to join them. They decided I had to go and were able to arrange a free addition for me because the group was so large. This means I have to start getting in shape and getting my fake tan on if I'm going to be comfortable shirtless with a bunch of strangers. Becky, Adam and Shawn (see picture 1 in my last post) are THE BEST!

I'm spending my weeks in Austin, TX for work right now and having a pretty good time. It's been unusually cold here which is good preperation for my trip home to West Virginia for Christmas the 23rd-28th. Of course, that trip is looming large on my mind since I've decided to discuss my HIV with my parents on this trip. I have what I think is a good relationship with my parents and I really don't lie to them about anything and it's starting to feel like I'm lying to them by ommitting the fact that I'm now HIV+. I saw my Mom in June when I visited home for a weekend for a cousin's wedding but I decided not to tell her then and ruin the weekend. I did tell my cousin, Holly, who was getting married and her understanding and support was amazing.

On the note of support and great friends, I recieved another response to my World AIDS Day letter that made me cry, with Brent's (see picture 2 in my last post) permission I'm going to share it with you.

Dan,
First I want to apologize for not having responded until now, almost two weeks after the fact. While I have been busy with school and graduation, it was no excuse. I wish I could entirely explain the delay but I don't know that I can.
Something that has been very hard for me to reconcile since receiving your email on World AIDS Day is the fact that our friendship would likely not be where it is today, without this event. I am split between wishing you never had to deal with HIV or Atripla or any of it, and the alternative of not having you in my life, at least to the extent that you are now.
I never told you this, but I knew about your diagnosis before you told me. I can't explain it to this day. I came home from work after an uneventful Friday night at work I saw your facebook status that you were "having the worst day of your life." Somehow, I knew. I truly lack an explanation because it wasn't even somethingthing I thought about or pondered, I just knew. I remember texting you as quickly as my fingers could move but I never got a response. My response to your confirming my feeling was to devour information. I think I read more about HIV in those few days than I have ever read about anything in my life. Since then I've found myself staying up to date on news on the topic, not to mention correcting anyone who misuses the term AIDS.
I am very proud to have a friend who is willing to battle the stigma of HIV and I hope that I can do the same, at your side. Ultimately, a lot of people will probably be saved from their ignorance as a result of your being brave enough to be honest with those around you about something you are living with.
I also want to say thank you for being honest and trusting of me, especially in the first months after March. Your sharing of results from doctors visits was a saving grace for me because not only did it push me to continue learning and understanding HIV, it also helped me avoid a constant worry that I would have dealt with if I had been kept in the dark.
Most importantly I want you to know that I will always be here for you. For better or for worse, for richer for poorer, and in sickness and in health. Okay, so we're not married but you mean the world to me and you will always have a place in my heart.

Your friend,
Brent

I really am so lucky to have such amazing friends, I love you BRENT!

I also was shown a video by a co-worker that takes inspirational movie quotes and mashes them all together that I really like and think you should all watch:

So I thought a logical next post would be to share bits and pieces of the responses I’ve received from the letter I sent out on World AIDS Day. The responses I have receieved have been amazing and confirm to me that I made the right choice for me. I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of family, friends and colleagues. I’ve included some of the more moving and humorous replies below. To all the people who have replied I thank you once again.

Each new line is a quote, I have removed names and done slight editing:

-- I remember the day that you told me about this. It was something that a friend never wants to hear. It's a scary thing for everyone. I applaud your bravery and your willingness to face it head on. It sounds though you have accepted your diagnosis and that you know that it doesn't define you. That's the key. You are okay. You will be okay. You will do good things. That defines you.

-- i'm at work and you made me cry!

-- I wanted to let you know this is an extremely moving letter. It's amazing the courage you have to do this, emotionally and physically.

-- I cannot imagine the courage that it took to send this out and I thank you for the trust that you have placed in me and … by including us in your support group. I also give thanks for those who have been walking with you since March. Please know that you are in my prayers.

-- RaRa Dan!!!

-- It means a lot, for you to reveal a major part of your life, to me. You are my friend and always in my thoughts.

-- In my mind, nothing will change between us as you requested. I will continue to pray for you, especially when you talk to your parents. You are a great guy and I am glad that you are in my life.

-- Thanks for including me as a friend on your journey. You have definitely changed my life, and my views.

-- I will hope and pray for your continued good health; for the cure to, and eradication of, this virus; and for increasingly better and cheaper drugs in the meantime. I know that you will be well.

-- If my tear ducts worked, I swear I would cry.

-- I am very proud of you young man. You are handling this challenge with courage and grace.

-- I am glad you are taking a positive light on your status, and congratulations on coming out once again if in a new and different kind of way.

-- You better know, that you always have someone to talk to, someone to hug you, someone with a shoulder to cry on, with me. I am here for you. The first thing you need to do, is what you are doing, taking care of YOU!!! Not only do you need to take the medicine needed, but you need to only be with positive people, ones that make you laugh, ones that embrace the whole you. Don't let the negative people in your space. Being healthy, means whole health, body, mind and spirit.

-- I appreciate your honesty and intergity in sharing news that is both deeply personal and, for some, controversial. I pray that the vast majority of responses have been gracious and supportive. Dan, all of us are broken and in constant need of God's grace and love. To pretend otherwise is hypocritical, at best. Your decision to be open about who you are and what you are now dealing with is not only the way to fully experiencing God's grace but also the way of being a channel of that grace to others.

..out wait, I did that awhile back; from the GLBT closet anyway but this is my coming out from the HIV+ closet. I'd like to thank Tom for allowing me a space on his great site to share my thoughts in the HIV world. He mentioned an e-mail I sent out on World AIDS Day so I thought I would share that with you as my first entry. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and learning so much more about Who's Positive and the other greater bloggers on the site!

For some background, I was diagnosed in March 2008 and had only shared my status with a few friends; I sent this e-mail to about 75 people from all over my life; from work, to friends, to acquaintances. Over the coming days I'll share some pieces of responses I've gotten from all kinds of people. If you have any questions, feel free to message me at dan@journal.whospositive.org

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."
~Edward Everett Hale

Friends,

As some of you know I was diagnosed in March of this year as being HIV-Positive. I've spent the last several months learning about the disease and how to maintain my health, adjusting to this new ME and trying to decide how I would mark today, my first World AIDS Day as a person living with HIV. Everytime I tried to come up with something I came back to the same thing, just keep living. To do that I've decided on this message, to people from all different aspects of my life; family and friends, some of whom I barely know and some of who I talk to on a daily basis. I might eat with you, cry with you, laugh with you, have a night out on the town with you, work with you or any combination of these.

As a member of the LGBT population I know we all have to make the decision if and when to tell those people around us that we're Gay. Just the same, I understand that not everyone who is Positive is comfortable with everyone or anyone around them knowing their status. The stigma associated to HIV/AIDS in this country to this day, 27 years after the pandemic was identified, is baffling to me. I expect that from this message my status will no longer be a secret and I'm prepared to deal with those consequences, this is my choice. However, if you're a member of my family, I ask that you keep this to yourself until after Christmas. I'm planning to tell my parents over the Christmas holiday as I think this will be a conversation best had in person and I would very much like them to hear it from me first.

I expect that lots of you will have questions about my health as well as the who/when of my infection and I'm happy to answer any of them about the former but none about the latter. Though I do know the who and when I believe it is something between the two of us and it isn't my place to disclose their status to anyone else. On my health: I've started drugs that are working to keep the virus from replicating in my blood stream and they are doing just that. My CD4 count, which is a measure of the health of your immune system, is well within what is considered a normal range for an HIV-Negative person. Overall I�m doing well both mentally and physically.

I don't point out my HIV+ status as a reason to receive your sympathy or be treated differently. I sincerely hope neither of those things happen. I simply want to show everyone that this can, does and is happening to people all around us. I hope you'll all take a moment to consider that HIV/AIDS, while considerably more treatable today, is still around and people are still being infected and dying every single day. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has estimated that at the end of 2006 there were more than 510,000 people living in the U.S. with HIV/AIDS and more than 53,000 new diagnoses. These disturbing figures show that this pandemic isn't anywhere near its end and we all must take steps to end both the pandemic and the stigma associated with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis.

I also want to take a minute to thank those people who have been helping through this incredibly difficult year: Ryan, TJ, Adam, Lynn, Carol Anne, Erin, Brent, Brian, Jonathon, Chris, Michael and all of the dallasyoungpositive guys. I really wouldn't have made it through this year without you guys.

With Love,
Dan