Dan's Journal

So I met someone awhile ago, a friend of my best friend, who has known about my status for months and months and months. A few weeks ago we hung out to watch TV, at some point when we were talking he leaned in and pecked me on the lips, not even a real kiss. Well tonight, he messaged me because he’s been having night sweats and apparently the only thing he can think of is that I infected him. Are people really this stupid? Do I have to defend myself to people that are this uninformed? Don’t things ever get better?

So today makes 1 year since diagnosis. With 364 days before this you wouldn't think that day number 365 would be so difficult, yet here I am, having to remind myself just to breath. A few friends and I are going to do something tonight to "celebrate" the anniversary. Originally I was hoping for it to be a small affair, just the few people that have really helped me make it this far but now it's spiraled into this huge event, which I'm not sure is what I want at all.

"There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today"

No Day But Today, RENT

So I'm sitting at DFW Airport on my way home to West Virginia (insert your favorite Country Roads lyric here) and I'm so nervous about telling my Momma, yes I still call her Momma, that I could be sick. I decided awhile ago that on this trip I would tell her and I'm sticking to that but it doesn't mean I can't be nervous about it, right? She took the gay thing much better than I ever anticipated, about as well as I could've hoped and was completely ready to meet my ex. Of course, that never happened and she's never heard me talk about another boy. I'll mention randomly a date or something about going to dinner with someone but she doesn't ask and I don't try and push it on her; I think once I'm with someone who I think I can take home then will be the time to repeat his name, to tell her all about the things we do as a couple and kind of push the subject back out into the open.
Trips home to West Virginia, where I spent the first 20 years and 10 months of my life always bring out a whole range of mixed emotions. I know it'll be great to see everyone, especially my Momma and to a much smaller degree my Dad and his family. But in a way it's the numerous cousins and friends I look forward to seeing more than anyone. They're the ones who already know how difficult this year has been and haven't missed a step keeping me upbeat and just being there when I need them. It's amazing how fast your schedule fills up when people know you're going to be home for only a few days. I land in Pittsburgh around 11:30 EST and have a two hour or so drive before I'm actually home, that is Carolina, WV. My Momma and I will be cooking all afternoon and then I'm off to Bridgeport Hill late tonight for karaoke and such with a smattering of cousins and friends. Tomorrow will be a very strange day, it's the first Christmas Eve ever that my Mom's family isn't having a big dinner and family gathering and I'm rather upset about that. Honestly, I never thought it would last as many years (2) as it did after Pappy (my Mom's dad) passed away but I'm still sad that this is a tradition no one is bothering to keep up with. I've already arranged with several cousins to attend Midnight Mass at the Church most of us grew up going to, the same Church I haven't stepped foot into since Pappy's Funeral Mass. I know that will be hard but I also know that's what he would want of us. It will likely also be my last Christmas Mass as a Confirmed Catholic since I'm likely being received into the Episcopal Church in early January. And for those unaware of the strict rigors on Catholicism those Confirmed in other denominations are welcome to attend mass but are not allowed to participate in the Sacraments, Communion specifically. I already broke this news to my Mom and she wasn't nearly as upset as I once expected her to be, though she did quit attending Church regularly sometime before I was born.

I hope everyone has a Happy, Joyous, Safe Christmas and I'll try and update after I've broken the news to my Momma and have gauged her reaction. Until then, I leave you with my favorite Christmas Hymnal...

O Come All Ye Faithful
Joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

O Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation,
Sing all that hear in heaven God's holy word.
Give to our Father glory in the Highest;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

All Hail! Lord, we greet Thee,
Born this happy morning,
O Jesus! for evermore be Thy name adored.
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

In my last post I mentioned that a few friends had surprised me with something amazing, it was a CRUISE! March 8th-15th will be spent on The Carnival Conquest visiting Grand Cayman, Montego Bay and Cozumel. There was a large group of people going but with all the money I've had to spend on doctors and meds this year I just couldn't afford to join them. They decided I had to go and were able to arrange a free addition for me because the group was so large. This means I have to start getting in shape and getting my fake tan on if I'm going to be comfortable shirtless with a bunch of strangers. Becky, Adam and Shawn (see picture 1 in my last post) are THE BEST!

I'm spending my weeks in Austin, TX for work right now and having a pretty good time. It's been unusually cold here which is good preperation for my trip home to West Virginia for Christmas the 23rd-28th. Of course, that trip is looming large on my mind since I've decided to discuss my HIV with my parents on this trip. I have what I think is a good relationship with my parents and I really don't lie to them about anything and it's starting to feel like I'm lying to them by ommitting the fact that I'm now HIV+. I saw my Mom in June when I visited home for a weekend for a cousin's wedding but I decided not to tell her then and ruin the weekend. I did tell my cousin, Holly, who was getting married and her understanding and support was amazing.

On the note of support and great friends, I recieved another response to my World AIDS Day letter that made me cry, with Brent's (see picture 2 in my last post) permission I'm going to share it with you.

Dan,
First I want to apologize for not having responded until now, almost two weeks after the fact. While I have been busy with school and graduation, it was no excuse. I wish I could entirely explain the delay but I don't know that I can.
Something that has been very hard for me to reconcile since receiving your email on World AIDS Day is the fact that our friendship would likely not be where it is today, without this event. I am split between wishing you never had to deal with HIV or Atripla or any of it, and the alternative of not having you in my life, at least to the extent that you are now.
I never told you this, but I knew about your diagnosis before you told me. I can't explain it to this day. I came home from work after an uneventful Friday night at work I saw your facebook status that you were "having the worst day of your life." Somehow, I knew. I truly lack an explanation because it wasn't even somethingthing I thought about or pondered, I just knew. I remember texting you as quickly as my fingers could move but I never got a response. My response to your confirming my feeling was to devour information. I think I read more about HIV in those few days than I have ever read about anything in my life. Since then I've found myself staying up to date on news on the topic, not to mention correcting anyone who misuses the term AIDS.
I am very proud to have a friend who is willing to battle the stigma of HIV and I hope that I can do the same, at your side. Ultimately, a lot of people will probably be saved from their ignorance as a result of your being brave enough to be honest with those around you about something you are living with.
I also want to say thank you for being honest and trusting of me, especially in the first months after March. Your sharing of results from doctors visits was a saving grace for me because not only did it push me to continue learning and understanding HIV, it also helped me avoid a constant worry that I would have dealt with if I had been kept in the dark.
Most importantly I want you to know that I will always be here for you. For better or for worse, for richer for poorer, and in sickness and in health. Okay, so we're not married but you mean the world to me and you will always have a place in my heart.

Your friend,
Brent

I really am so lucky to have such amazing friends, I love you BRENT!

I also was shown a video by a co-worker that takes inspirational movie quotes and mashes them all together that I really like and think you should all watch:

So I've had something affirmed this weekend that I already knew to be true, I have the best friends for which a person could ever ask. Becky, Adam and Shawn (first pic below from our vacation late last year to NYC) surprised me with something on Friday night that made cry like a little school girl. And Saturday I was fortunate enough to see another of my great friends, Brent (second pic below), graduate from The University of Texas at Arlington. Overall, a great weekend before heading back to the grind of the work week in Austin tomorrow. Cheers!